But it’s Still None of Your Business

A group of friends was going to a party where we would meet lots of new people. My friend hesitated. She said she was introverted and didn’t want to attend. I thought of the commercial where the gecko responds to a similar revelation: “I don’t think that’s right.”

I’ve noticed a serious misunderstanding between introversion and shyness. The words are not synonyms and the mis-definition causes the belief that introverts are socially awkward and fear others.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

I am an introvert. In fact, I’m what I call a “screaming introvert.” You cannot get more introverted. But: I am gregarious, friendly, love public speaking, enjoy a chat with a stranger, excited to meet new people, outgoing, and frank. No one would call me shy.

Basic personality theory classifies two aspects of personality: character and temperament. Character is develops over time and describes the behaviors you adopt as you age. Temperament is all the proclivities you had when you were born. Consider character the nurture aspect of personality and temperament the nature aspect of personality. You can change character. You cannot change temperament. But you can deny temperament.

Let’s dig deeper.

Shyness is, according to the American Psychological Association, the tendency to feel awkward, worried, or tense during social encounters, especially with unfamiliar people. According to Psychology Today, shyness emerges from a few key characteristics: self-consciousness, negative self-preoccupation, low self-esteem, and fear of judgment and rejection. People are not born shy. Yes, genetics can play a part, causing a person to be more likely to be shy — but shyness is a psychological trait, is not a temperamenttrait.

For example, if a child is genetically supersensitive, he will be more likely to develop shyness. But that condition of shyness blooms from an unsupportive environment. That same child, born supersensitive, in a supportive environment, will learn to manage his sensitivity and will never become shy.

Consider if he is playing with his siblings and one of his sisters hurts his feelings. If Dad steps in a protects the child, helps the child work through the emotional reaction, the child will not withdraw. Or, if a supersensitive little girl goes to school that first day and three other children bully her — she, being supersensitive, will be tearful and not want to return to school. If Dad encourages her, helps her work through her feelings, and supports her, she will go back to school with confidence. If Dad tells her to stop being such a baby and suck it up, her reaction will probably be to withdraw from those bullies. And, ultimately, fear people.

None of that has anything to do with introversion.

Let’s delve into temperament. As I stated, temperament is inborn. It’s the nature aspect of personality. To understand temperament, I’d like you to try a simple but well-known exercise.

Sign your name with your dominant hand. On a scale of one to ten, one being easy and ten being impossible, how difficult was it to sign your name with your dominant hand? Most people report one or two. The action is mindless, automatic, fluid.

Step two: sign your name with your non-dominant hand. Using the same scale, most people, through laughter, report 7 or even 8 or 9. The action takes concentration, focus. It’s difficult and uncomfortable.

That’s temperament. When you act in accordance with your temperament, it’s mindless, automatic, and fluid. You don’t have to think. You are authentic. When you act outside of your temperament, you have to force your behavior. It feels inauthentic and uncomfortable. While most people live life within temperament, some live outside of the comfort zone because of outside influence or desire to be accepted. We will comment on that in a bit.

For now, know that temperament includes several factors — only one of which is the scale of introversion to extroversion.

Introversion, according to Merriam-Webster, is the state of or tendency toward being predominantly concerned with and obtaining gratification from one’s own mental life: a personality trait or style characterized by a preference for or orientation to one’s own thoughts and feelings; a typically reserved or quiet person who tends to be introspective and enjoys spending time alone.

According to Merriam-Webster, extroversion is the state of or tendency toward being predominantly concerned with and obtaining gratification from what is outside the self: a personality trait or style characterized by a preference for or orientation to engaging socially with others.

Each of us has an environment that energizes us. Some of us like lots of chat and activity — some of us don’t. Some of us, extroverts, feel energized around large groups of people, engaged in activity and conversation. Some of us, introverts, feel energized when we are inside our own heads in thought.

Extroverts speak before they think because they need to speak to think. They think aloud. Introverts are slow to speak, but when they do, the thought is complete.

Extroverts get energized with lots of activity. Introverts like stillness and quiet. Science has shown that introverts have an excess of dopamine, for example, so are perpetually in a mentally excited state. Extroverts have to do things, engage, and talk with others to raise dopamine levels. Where the extrovert must engage to feel balanced, the introvert must disengage to feel balanced.

Because introverts are internally focused, they are often private people. An introvert will only disclose private information after forming a bond with another person. An extrovert will tell the cashier at the grocery store all about his knee surgery — with detailed descriptions! The introvert will chat with the cashier, but about the groceries or the weather. Not personal information. Because of that ability to peel their onion wide open, extroverts also have lots of friends and acquaintances. Introverts have one or two close friends with whom they share all their time. Of course, introverts have contacts and may have lots of friends, but getting close to an introvert takes time.

I coached a family where mom, dad, and the kids were all introverts. Grandma was an extrovert. She would follow the others around the house, chatting aloud, seeking attention and connection. Grandma was always doing, blasting the television and wanting the others to comment on the shows with her. The rest of the family was exhausted! Why won’t she just be quiet and let us read, draw, play our video game in peace!! After coaching, grandma understood the rest of the family preferred life inside their heads — and the rest of the family started making an effort to chat with grandma. Grandma was also encouraged to seek others outside the family so she could engage in extroverted activities. Everyone is happier.

Consider what you prefer: If I told you you could have — for free — a one-week vacation but had to choose between: (A) a party cruise traveling to five islands, where you won’t sleep, you will dance and karaoke, drink and attend concerts, visit sites or (B) a hut on a secluded island where you will not see another human for seven days, would not have a phone or tech, but you can read, swim, nap, and do nothing. What would you choose? Don’t think about it — choose on instinct alone.

No introvert would choose that cruise. Sure, we may want to. Sounds fun. But, as an introvert, I would be so overstimulated by day two that I would spend the cruise in my cabin recovering! I’m already vibrating out of my skin — the last thing I want is sustained noise and interaction! My extroverted friend would be so depressed in that island hut, he would try to leave within a day or two. During my temperament workshops, I tell people: I love concerts and parties — but I have to recover afterward! Extroverts have to recover after long-study sessions or traveling alone.

Those preferences are examples of temperament in action.

We use the term introvert in the vernacular to mean shy. It’s incorrect. My theory is that people cannot differentiate between a quiet and reserved person and a socially fearful person. You can see those conditions are dissimilar.

But note: shyness and introversion are not mutually exclusive. An introvert can be shy. Or not. An extrovert can be shy. Or not. A shy person can be introverted or extroverted. I have several coaching clients who are introverted and shy, but they are dealing with both nature and nurture characteristics. I also know a few extroverted, shy people. If you appreciate how important engagement is to the extrovert to sustain energy, you can imagine how deeply painful and depressing a shy condition would be for her. At least an introvert can withdraw and be okay. A shy extrovert is the definition of living hell.

Another important factor is called falsification of temperament. This condition occurs when an introvert, for example, is forced or encouraged or motivated to act like an extrovert. Overall, the United States is an extroverted culture. In some cases, introverts feel they have to interact at that level for career or social success.

The known example is in an educational setting: teachers and professors insist on participation. Horrible mandate. While extroverts will actively participate — calling out, guessing, chatting — introverts will not participate unless they have processed internally. Thus, introverts are regularly penalized for not participating on demand. An introvert who wants to be on the honor roll may force himself to participate even when he is uncomfortable — like signing his name with his nondominant hand, it’s uncomfortable and forced.

Again, in an educational setting, extroverts are made to be quiet during tests or study time. We have already reviewed that extroverts have to think aloud — they need group or partner contact to process information. You want her to sit in silence and regurgitate on a piece of paper? Very difficult. So, the extrovert honors student forces herself to sit quietly and take that test. But she will be exhausted.

Similarly, introverts spend social time observing. While the extrovert is engaging with others, the introvert is watching and learning. This is one reason an introverted child may not raise her hand during class, but will hand in thoughtful and insightful assignments. Introverts think deeply. All the time. The extrovert will call out incorrect answers until she processes enough to understand. She may turn in the same quality work, but her thinking is accomplished aloud with others.

Sadly, falsification of temperament invades every area of a person’s life. I had one coaching client who grew up in an extroverted household. Her parents and four siblings were extroverted. The house was loud and full of music and television and activity and conversation. As a young child, she would retreat into her bedroom closet. Due to a misunderstanding of temperament, her loving parents, doing the best they could, sent her to therapy. Obviously, there was something wrong with her! At the age of forty-three, in a coaching session with me, she broke down and realized she was introverted. There was nothing wrong with her. Or with them. It boiled down to temperament. But she mourned the years she had forced herself to engage all the time — and realized her experience was not depression or chronic fatigue, but overstimulation.

So, back to our heroine, who insisted she is introverted. I think not. She is constantly out with a friend — or a group of friends. Every weekend evening she is going to a sip-and-paint or museum or restaurant. She enjoys reading and her quiet days — but finds she gets antsy. Has to get out. Once out, she is chatty and jumps from conversation to conversation. She is funny and enjoys asking about everyone’s life. If she is at home alone, she is texting, chatting or posting on social media, or chatting on the telephone. Her hesitation to go out where she will need to meet new people is shyness, not introversion. Meeting new people causes her anxiety. But once she is there, she will be fine.

As a true introvert, who does not suffer from shyness, I also did not want to go to the party. First, I would be carpooling, so would not be able to leave when I wanted to escape all the noise-noise-noise-noise. Second, the party was going to include about 40 people. Not for me. That’s a whole lot of chatting. Third, as an introvert, I prefer to engage with people I know. Why? Introverts process internally and cherish the internal world. Making small talk is difficult. Again, that’s not shyness. I don’t fear people. I dislike shallow engagement. I require deep conversation and connection when I do engage or it’s just exhausting. At a party, while Miss Not Introverted is flying from group to group chatting away, you will find me with one or two close friends discussing Greek philosophy or physics or falconry. Sure, I’ll mix and mingle, but I’ll always return to that corner with those people who can sit in silence. Unless I meet another introvert who wants to discuss economics.

We didn’t go to the party. I stayed home and worked on my book. I cuddled with hubby and the cat. I video called my kids. Miss Not Introverted went out with her partner and a few other couples to a county fair. They did some ballooning and ate funnel cake.

Everyone was happy. The end.