Adulting is highly overrated. Our responsible behavior robotically and dutifully performed while devoid of passion is our disease.

Over several meditation and observation sessions, I’ve arrived at a realization which I want to share. I started down this pondering road after reading an article about visualizing and loving one’s inner-child. What a nice idea. And loads of crap.

I’ve coached people through that one. Hell, I’ve done my own visualization, hypnosis, therapy route to hug my three-year-old self. Very lovely. Healing. Comforting. Soothing.

And also an unhelpful, sorry-sack pity-party.

In most cases, the person just relives pain and trauma and offers himself or herself sympathy and understanding. You may recognize some of your adult reactions are that little one’s screams. Sure, with a qualified therapist, this form of therapy might be helpful. Perhaps you forgive. You don’t forget. I’m skeptical. So, I ask: How does the visit to the child-self really help the person become whole?

I’m offering something new. Something powerful. Something that freaking works!

It’s adult-you that needs love. You’ve denied your original self — pushed him or her away for too long. Be the child you were merged into the adult you are.

The issue with trauma — or with just growing up — is losing your authentic self. The adult-self hides the child in order to satisfy others by being what is expected in order to fit in, be accepted, or loved. Or the adult-self keeps a stoic distance to protect the child-self from further harm. In both cases, the authentic self is repressed — even negated as wrong or bad.

The result? We continue to repress the child-self to avoid others’ punishment! See, I’ve put myself in a timeout — you don’t need to do it! Or, you can’t find me to punish me — and I’ve hidden who I am so well, you can’t give me a timeout.

It’s the child-self that must emerge. That person you were before the trauma, the schooling, the rules, the punishment. The self-regulation.

I do not mean stop working and paying your own bills or move in and sponge off your parents. I do not mean to have a temper-tantrum in the store. Or wet your pants. To love your adult-self, you must continue to take care of yourself in this moment and be a responsible person in this life you have created.

What I mean is don’t just recall your child-self. Don’t remember how you used to play. Don’t wax nostalgic about how you used to have an open heart.

I mean: Open your heart. Open your mind and imagination. Forget your ego in your suit. Let go of any and all inhibitions or pretence. Forget about satisfying others or stop avoiding others. It’s time to play.

You ask: Well, how the hell do I do that?

I say: You practice. You try some things. You shift your thinking.

EVERYONE WAS A FRIEND

When I was a child and another child I didn’t know approached me at the playground, we would just start playing. Eventually, we would exchange names. But names didn’t matter. Remember those moments?

Nothing mattered but the essence of that other kid. That she could whip a frisbee. That he knew the names of the different rocks in the creek. That he could play a guitar while the rest of us were drawing. That she was interested in the book I was reading. Or he was wearing a tee-shirt with my favorite movie or band. We connected on an authentic level. Everyone was a friend. I approached others with an open heart. Only if I discovered that the person was cruel or untrustworthy would I avoid him or her. I withheld judgment — and judged others gently.

OBEYING THE RULES

Do you remember enjoying a cookie from the cookie jar because it was yummy? Because you wanted it. Period. Without a single thought of saturated fats, Keto diets, glycemic index, or caloric content? Now, we don’t allow ourselves treats of any kind. Or we overindulge to experience a moment of rebellion and fun.

These are rules that are sensible, but devoid of instinct or passion. We often set rules for everything — every interaction, every behavior. Worse, we have forgotten what rules are valuable.

Remember playing until the crickets sang and returning home because you didn’t want to worry your parents? Or handing in homework so you did not get into trouble? We followed rules because we had to obey those who had the power and control over us.

Guess what, sweets? We are the power. You have the power over you now. I have the power over me. We have the vote. You can quit that job. You can demand and refuse. We do not have to obey anyone and certainly do not need to obey people we do not trust.

We can buy gum whenever we want.

YOUR HEART DIES

When I talk about growing up, my definition of adulthood boils down to buying gum when I want. As a child, I would ask my Mom to get me a pack of gum and she would refuse or allow arbitrarily. I felt that my life was not my own.

And then I grew up. I have my own money and I can buy gum whenever I want. And I never do.

And that’s my point. With autonomy, adults give up playing. Spur of the moment. Gut reaction. Silliness. Openness. Lazy days. Taking risks.

We worry about consequences. We worry about what others think. We work hard to not get in trouble or be judged negatively. We worry about budgets and portfolios. We worry about car maintenance and stains in the toilet. We compete with the neighbor and the coworker. We compare self to others. We anguish over career choices. We are terrified to dirty our clothes or scuff our shoes.

And we forget to buy gum. We forget — abandon — the freedom we desired. And we do nothing to revive our dreams or desires.

In the film The Breakfast Club, Ally Sheedy’s character, Allison, offers the best advice in that incredible film. The five high school students are discussing how they will in “no way” be like their respective parents when they grow up.

Allison: It’s unavoidable. It just happens.

Claire: What happens?

Allison: When you grow up, your heart dies.

Bender: Who cares?

Allison: I care.

Like Allison, I care. Deeply.

And I bet you do, too.

While we cannot set aside adulting like jobs or parenting, paying bills or obeying traffic laws, we can restart our hearts. We can reignite our sense of adventure and wonder. We can feel alive again.

REKINDLE YOUR KID

The approach is all about restarting your heart. You are not giving up a thing. You are bringing your loving, happy child-self into the present. Remember the Twilight Zone episode, Kick the Can? You liked it — but don’t live it! That’s your mistake.

Take a look at these adulting-rules and how to change your approach:

You have to cook. Have you tried just mixing random things together without a recipe and eating it? Like a peanut butter and cucumber sandwich? Give yourself permission to try things. Or, if you are like me and enjoy cooking, create new recipes. Blast your favorite music and dance around the kitchen when you make dinner. Play with the kids or your partner while you cook. Make it a game — not a chore!

You have to clean. Same approach here. Make it fun. Create competitions: You vacuum and I’ll dust — and we race to get it done. Or we both clean a bathroom — let’s see who is faster! Play music. Dance with the broom. Remember every day was a game? A chance to play?

You dread birthdays. I know so many people who stopped celebrating birthdays. I consider that a telltale sign of getting old and giving up. My birthday has become a “birthday month” and I demand attention for that time. Presents and surprises. Why not? Give yourself a party! Buy fun stuff! You should celebrate your life. Blow out candles, get a pinata, hug your friends!

You have to go to work. Unless you become independently wealthy, yes, you have to work. We all do. The question to ask yourself is: Are you doing the work you really want to do? What work would be fun for you? I know, I know, work is supposed to be miserable. Yeah, keep selling yourself that line of bullshit.

One of my coaching clients could not deal with leaving her career. She hated her work and her life — but kept doing it because she wanted the financial freedom it offered. In her heart, she wanted to be a teacher — but could not even consider living a modest lifestyle to make her dream come true. What would your child-self say about the work you do?

You have to associate with people you do not like, admire, or trust. I think that is one of the most insidious lies we tell ourselves. When you were a kid, you would walk away from the bully or mean kid. You would call out the liar or cheater. Do you belong to clubs or groups with people you do not like? Do you work in a place with people you do not trust or admire? Why?

Another one of my coaching clients was a recovering alcoholic. But she continued to associate with people at her and her spouse’s social club who constantly told her she was “no fun” because she didn’t drink anymore. When I suggested not going to that social club anymore, she stopped coming to coaching.

Ask your child-self if he or she feels good or safe around your friends and co-workers. If not, it’s time to find a new tribe.

SAY IT: WHAT THE HELL!

Remember the film, Tag? Where the adult men play tag for years? If you have not seen it, today is the day.

Tag, you’re it.

This week, do at least one of these things. Do it and hold that moment in time (space, if you prefer, same thing). Be there. Be you before life morphed you into adult-you. Adult-you is killing YOU.

• Take a risk. No, don’t start skateboarding (or pick it up again if you have bad knees)! I’m not suggesting you hurt yourself! By taking a risk, I mean examine your life and do something you normally would not do. Go on vacation on a whim. Buy a piece of clothing you think is risque. Paint a room in your house a wild color. Open yourself to making a mistake!
• Love your body. Stop comparing adult-you to child-you. Stop comparing yourself to others. Stop posting washed-out selfies so you get rid of the wrinkles and any sign that you have skin at all! Look at yourself in the mirror and love the lines. I tell people I earned every line on my face. Every scar on my body. Every stretch mark. Celebrate the beauty that is you! (Ever consider a boudoir photo shoot?)
• Save a bird. Rescuing or fostering an animal from a shelter can give you the same sense of wonder and fill your heart with a love of nature and caring.
• Pretend you can fly. Spread your arms and swoop around the lawn. If your neighbor gives you a funny look, invite him or her to swoop with you!
• Imagine you can go through your closet into another world. Get in the closet. Do it. Close the door. Close your eyes. Where do you travel?
• Make a potion with grass and leaves. Use a spoon or other inappropriate utensil to collect the dirt. You remember how to do this! I prefer to make mud cake with leaves as filling.
• Eat a treat. Buy or prepare your favorite kid-treat. Eat it. Enjoy it. Share it. Remember those candy dots on the long strip of paper? Eat the paper, too. Or get some pop-rocks.
• Make a snow or pillow fort. Defend it. This game is only fun if you defend it against your partner or kids.
• Use a magnifying glass to look at bugs. (No, don’t burn them!) You want to activate that sense of wonder you lost in college.
• Eat with your hands. Make a mess. Smear. Drip.
• Hang out with a stranger. Chat up someone at the coffeehouse. Or the gym. A smile goes a long way. Don’t bother with names — and for the love of all that’s holy, do not whip out your business card!
• Look at the room upside down so the ceiling looks like the floor. I know your chiropractor is not going to recommend this one. If you are able to do it, get on the bed, bend backwards, and pretend. The idea is to adjust your perspective. You haven’t done that in years!
• Dress in a costume and play pretend. Go to Comicon or a Cosplayevent. Embrace Steampunk. No, you don’t have to get weird — it’s about fun. Go to a Trekkie Convention. Or a film opening as one of the characters. Yes, you look silly. Isn’t that wonderful??????
• Explore the woods or a cave. Don’t count steps. Just go, spur of the moment. Bring binoculars. Bring a camera. Bring a magnifying glass. Don’t get anywhere or accomplish anything. Just explore.
• Bake something and make a mess. Throwing ingredients is the mandate.
• Color in a coloring book. Do it.
• Whistle with a blade of grass.
• Pretend you live under water. Ever wanted to be a mermaid or merman? The summer is a great time to submerge yourself and imagine…
• Write messages in secret code. Create a decoding book. Share notes with friends, your partner, your kids, or workmates.
• Play a game like hopscotch, jump rope, jacks.
• Make up a dance. This activity is particularly fun if you include friends and perform in your yard.
• Play in the rain and jump in puddles. This activity is particularly rewarding if you are in your work clothes.
• Bring cupcakes or cookies to everyone at work. For no reason.
• Make a card for a loved-one’s birthday. Use crayons or markers. And glue. And glitter. Lots of glitter.
• Catch lightning bugs or butterflies. Hold your quarry in a jar for a few minutes so you can admire them before you let them go.
• Have a tea party with stuffed animals and a few humans.
• Build a sandcastle.
• Have a sleepover with friends. Avoid screen time. Play games. Tell ghost stories. Make s’mores or cookies. Be silly. Don’t drink alcohol. Focus on playing games and being silly.
• Lay on your back in the grass and look at the stars or the clouds.
• Use a prism to make rainbows all over the house.
• Build something with toy blocks.
• Make paper airplanes, paper toys, or origami animals.
• Call friends and play tag, hide and go seek, or manhunt.
• Play in the tub with float toys and bath paints.

Most importantly, journal or record how these activities make you feel. Playtime is your time to be wholly yourself. No pretence. No adulting.

You might become who you were — and who you were born to be!