Two Questions You Need to Answer to Find a Best Friend

I’ve been thinking. I need a new best friend.

Before you lay on the guilt trip and question the depth of my marriage, yes, my husband is my intimate partner. He is my other half. My soulmate. Sure. But he’s not my bestie.

Over the years, I’ve had four besties. I use the past tense because those relationships expired. I realized I might have much to learn from my own experiences. So, I took account.

My first best friend disagreed vociferously with my life choices. She stopped calling. She stopped answering my calls. Her precept that marriage was a diversion from a career did not align with my life path. And she took personal offense that I fell in love and had children. I could never be friends with someone who didn’t respect my world.

The second bestie suffered several tragedies and took herself out of my life. I still reach out, but she is too embroiled to be a friend to anyone. I reached recently with an offer for a visit — or even a call. She emailed she was too busy. She is sick. Her kids are sick. Her husband is abusive. No, she doesn’t want help. Nothing will ever change. She’s tried everything.

That conversation led me here. To wonder what kind of person would be a great best friend for me. I know I want a friend who supports my life choices — just as I would support her life choices. And, as I appreciate a calm life, I sure don’t want a hot-mess as a friend. I’m willing to be supportive, but thirty years of life is chaos is too much for me. I want a friend who pulls herself up by her bootstraps. Who stands up to the trials in life.

I considered my third bestie. We were thick as thieves for a very long time. But then she used me to cover for several affairs. And for constant (every month) legal work. Being used is outside of my personal boundaries. I stopped answering her calls. When I reached out for her birthday, hopeful we could rekindle the friendship, she told me all about her new lover and asked if I would cover for her tryst.

Nope.

My fourth bestie was the most recent. We had a horrible argument over an incident I will not recall in detail here. But after always being there for her, when I needed her, she didn’t have the time. Heartbroken, I moved on. A few years later, she reached out to make a deathbed apology. I accepted and days later she departed this life. I mourn, losing her and our friendship. But I am satisfied that, with integrity, I held my boundaries.

Friendship is a two-way street. Not where one person gives and gives and the other takes and takes.

Take a moment and picture your friends. Think of times when you enjoyed their company–and remember times you have shared. Perhaps it is someone with whom you can go to the ballgame–or your quilting circle–or antique shopping. Perhaps it is someone who will roam the aisles at Barnes & Noblewith you–and then share a latte and the books you have each found. Maybe it’s the friend who will be adventurous and challenge you to sky dive or white-water raft or rock climb.

A best friend is the person you go to when you fight with your intimate partner or when your mom needs hospice. The best friend tells you that you are still loved after you lose your job. Or that your intimate partner is still perfect for you, no matter the spat. She also reminds you that you might be the one who is unreasonable. A best friend is brave, honest, and communicates with a loving intent. He or she is the person who will spend the weekend with you watching Lord of the Rings or Lost. Because she’s a geek, too. A best friend is the person who shares a hobby or an interest. The person you take to shop for that perfect anniversary dress. Or flattering business suit. The person who surprises you with the tickets to your mutually favorite band. The person who shares spa days.

We will all think of those who have been there for us–and who share in our lives. Typical qualities: honest, caring, steadfast…. A friend boosts your spirits when you are down, encourages you, holds you accountable–brings you soup when you are ill. Friends support your business or career goals. They listen to you or help you make decisions. They are honest and accurate. A friend compliments you–and reminds you of how wonderful you are. Friends celebrate our accomplishments–and are kind to us when we fail. A genuine friend is supportive when you need him or her.

A best friend is the soulmate without fornication complications.

But I’ve found, like others my age, as life evolves, friendships change. Sure, I am still acquainted with my high school and college pals. But they don’t know me and I don’t know them. This, apparently, is the normal life evolution. People change and grow apart. I felt super-sad when I realized this. Last year, as the plague receded and many of us returned to life and living, my group of high school friends planned a bar-hop.

And I didn’t want to go.

I still care about each of them. But I’ve not seen any of them in years and years. Our lives diverged like paths in the wood. I declined with fair and well wishes. But I offered that if any of them wanted to plan a one-on-one dinner to catch up, I would love it. None of them reached out. They seem to be content with the shallow once-every-ten-years dinner.

I’m not.

I don’t want to sit in a bar and rehash sophomore year. Or share awkward silence since we know nothing about each other’s lives. I need one-on-one time to feel comfortable sharing myself. A bar, for me, is not a place to reconnect.

Think of your friendships that have stood the test of time–and those that have not. That should get you thinking about what makes a genuine friend. What are the qualities and traits in a person who you consider your friend? I suggest you take the time to make a list. What values and dreams do you share? How do you treat each other and what are the expectations of a friendship?

So, I present my Job Posting for a New Best Friend. Edit, copy, and paste as needed to post your own job opening. And feel free to apply. Because getting a mani-pedi alone is just not the same spa moment!

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Wanted: Best Friend

Job Title: Bestie. Partner in Crime. Positivity Coach.

Job Description: Will serve as compatriot, confidant, and social partner to employer.

Preferred Qualifications: A Generation Xer. Honest, hardworking. Willingness to try new things. Interest in a wide range of music and literature. Reads at least a book each week. Prefers fantasy and science fiction genres. Can engage in philosophical conversations far into the night. Interested in walking or hiking dates. Not a couch potato! Able to keep confidences and provide sound advice. Has broad interests and talents to be shared with employer. Should have hobbies and be creative. Not dramatic or histrionic; logical and even-tempered. Confident and optimistic. Drug and alcohol free. Healed from childhood trauma; compassionate. Eschews bar-hopping and clubs for fine-dining and museums.

Working Conditions: Full-time employment. Approximately 8–10 hours each week on-the-job, with 24–7 availability. Daily texts; weekly calls. One or two weekly visits. Regular food breaks are inherent in the job duties. Expected to be present for major events (celebratory or sorrowful). Must set the friendship as a priority over other activities. May be called upon for overtime for emergencies at inopportune times.

Salary & Benefits: Volunteer position. In exchange, Best Friend will receive birthday and holiday gifts, shared expenses on outings, and mirrored support for his or her interests.

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Looks good, yes? Sure does. But here’s my reason for this article: Would you qualify for your own Best Friend Job Posting?

Didn’t expect that plot twist, did ya?

Are you a person another would want to befriend? That’s a tricky question. Recently, I realized I may not qualify for my friend job posting. After losing four besties, I’m jaded. I forget birthdays. I rarely prioritize others if I am hyper-focused on a project. My Type-A always doing something makes me a less-than-ideal buddy. I too often put others on the back burner. Like my fourth best friend, I need to learn to prioritize others.

While I am compassionate, I think people who know me would hesitate to call me in the middle of the night in a crisis. I’ve let others believe that I have no time for them. That makes me sad, and I’ve wondered what I can do to change. To let others know that if they call, I will be there. I have made an effort to state this to people I love. I have committed myself to reaching out and make others a priority. Seems to me those friends from long ago did not disappear on me. We disappeared on each other! I am complicit in the distance.

To ask for a best friend is to decide to be a best friend.

Now, for the next zinger. You can only be a best friend if you are your own best friend.

In my experience as a coach, I’ve found most of us forget to be our own best friend. And I’m no different. That was my first step. Being honest with myself. Being loyal to myself. Treating myself with kindness when I failed — and with firmness when I slipped. Taking care of my health — physical and mental. If I can’t be kind to myself, true to myself, how can I expect to attract a kind, loyal, and honest bestie?

And that was my second realization. Perhaps my own foibles made me the kind of person users and drama queens would want to befriend? Perhaps I was waving a sign of discard and use me? I tolerated being used. I tolerated drama without end. I tolerated being mocked and judged. I tolerated being abandoned. And those are the friends I had.

Only when I became my own best friend and not my own worst enemy did these answers become all too clear.

To attract a best friend, you first must be your own best friend.

Write that job posting for a best friend. Then do two things:

First, if you were applying for the job as your own best friend, would you hire you? How do you treat yourself? Is your internal dialogue cruel or kind? Are you supportive and understanding when you fail? Do you expect drama and the worst in life — or do you demand the best?

Next, and only when you are your own bestie, pretend you answer that job posting for another person. Do you qualify? Are you supportive, loyal, honest, and all-in? Can you be trusted? Do you care just to care without self-interest?

These are difficult steps.

I’m here with popcorn and our favorite movie when you’re ready.