You Ageist Brat. What You Need is a Good, Long Time Out.

Aren’t you kids cute?

Youth culture. Young adult fiction. Plastic surgery. Our society celebrates youth. Tween films. Young music artists. Teen fashion. Proms and sneaking alcohol. Peer pressure and bullies.

It’s nauseating.

Your young life and your experiences are been-there, done-that for me and all the Gen Xers, Boomers and, yes, some are still alive, The Lost Gen. We don’t care about your teen romance. We could give two shits about your dating struggles. Peer pressure. Cheer tryouts or the big game. Just. Don’t. Care. It’s nostalgia for me and mine. Cute. Good for background noise while I’m adulting.

But that’s not my primary complaint.

My complaint is instead of looking to the older folks for experienced advice and perspective, you keep playing superior and condescending to those of us who lived your life already. In your limited view, age spots or wrinkles don’t play well on TikTok. Older people are useless and disposable.

You’ll play to older people if it’s for a job or promotion. You’ll be nice to that old-guy bank officer for that loan. You’ll kiss that Gen X professor’s ass for that grade. You boast about your selflessness when you move aging mom into your home — then complain about how she smells and can’t take care of herself. How she’s an inconvenience. But you sure do like her money. You sure do like what older people have earned.

And as we watch you play your games, we know you are not worth your salt. I will never rely upon a group of tween pals to save me from zombies, aliens, government conspiracies, or any other real or imaginary monster. Grandpa saved them in The Lost Boys. I trust grandpa. Sure, I’ll bring you kids along for the zombie apocalypse. You can help to carry stuff. You may also serve as bait and a food source should the need arise. But I trust my skill and experience, and physical strength, with an axe and crossbow far more than your ten-year-old flailing. You just learned to tie your shoes and just recently stopped wetting the bed. Give me the broadsword, junior.

Just because you use tech every day, which allows you to know how it works, does not make you superior. Yes, you know the popular memes, music and jargon. This knowledge does not make you superior. Every generation has their slang and stars, music and movies, sayings and hobbies. When you grow up, you get a job and a family and don’t have time to follow the trends. You’ll discover this.

You use popular social media apps, like TikTok. For the most part, we think you look foolish. You spend hours setting up your selfie shot. Our question: What did you do for others today? You conquer video games from the comfort of daddy’s basement. Goodie for you. How did you make the world a better place today? And you do all this while living in your parents’ home and complaining about your lack of opportunities. Go make your opportunities. We did. Do you think life was so easy 25, 50, 70 years ago?

Apparently, our music sucks, our clothing choices suck, our practicing heterosexuality sucks, our driving sucks, and we are, in your limited perspective, worthless burdens.

The worst yet? Repeatedly asking why older people have old people smell. Wow! You, the generations of accepting others, are the epitome of hypocrisy. What you mean with your battle cry of acceptance is accept you and your bullshit while you criticize anything that doesn’t align with your twisted, virtual-reality ideas.

You commit ageism, hold a distinct bias against older people, and judge older people to have defined qualities. You demand the retirement of older professors, mock older teachers. It’s too much. Admittedly, your perception is bolstered by societal worship of you and yours — and comedic mocking of me and mine.

Well, I’ve had enough.

With the caveat that my rant does not apply to all of you — because I’m aware enough to comprehend what a generalization is and what results from bias. Just as those over fifty do not have defined qualities, neither do young people. And I also appreciate you have economic and social challenges that I never faced. However, I state:

First, take your hypocrisy and stick it up your photo-enhanced ass. Older people are beautiful and valuable. Guess what? Older people dance. We have sex. A lot. And unlike you, we are superb at it. We are not all crippled. We rock climb, play sports, run, jump horses, compete. We lift weights. And we’ve lived life without filters and delusions that we are unicorns. And those of us who are less active are struggling with body-failure. Work outdoors for thirty years and see how you feel. Bear a few kids. And then raise ’em. Sit at a desk for thirty years and maybe you can understand why I have three pairs of glasses. How about some respect and compassion? Believe me, we do not agree with your dictates of beauty and health.

Second, before you vote, actually learn about the issues. Voting by peer pressure and popularity is lazy and foolish. Learn some history. You fear the past without knowledge of its significance. Let’s start with the United States is a Republicabiding by democratic principles — the United States is not a Democracy. If that confused you, look up the words. And while you’re at it, read the Federal and State Constitutions. No, those documents are not written in Old English. If I had a dollar for each time one of you has insisted simple government documents were written in the language of Beowulf, I could buy that Audi.

Which leads me to my next criticism: Read a book, for the love of all that’s good and holy. You are not smart because you can look it up on the internet. A monkey can operate a computer. Smart means you can apply knowledge. Memes and emoticons typify your vocabulary. Books and journals are not ancient tools. If paper scares you, try recorded books. Or digital periodicals. Not everything needs to be a moving picture or a sound bite. Try to maintain focus for over fifteen seconds.

Fourth, I hope with my deepest desire that we enter the Zombie Apocalypse and you morons have to use a map. Or cook something from scratch. Or, god help you, add a column of numbers. Better yet, try to multiply or divide in your head! You can’t even make change. What are you going to do if you lose that precious phone and cannot recall a single telephone number? Get a new phone, new family, and new friends? Probably. The alternative of memorizing or using paper for anything is too daunting.

Fifth, your obsession with gaming and posting defines your character. When I was your age, I was obsessed with my education, with travel and meeting others, with experiences and enhancing my world-view, and with community service. Who have you helped today? What person was raised up or empowered by your direct action? My friends and I volunteered: at the hospital, at soup kitchens and homeless shelters, at domestic violence sanctuaries, at church and community fundraisers, teaching the illiterate to read and write, building safe ways so everyone could hike through a local state forest, marking signage to assist emergency workers to find hydrants, coat and clothing drives, missionary work. What have you done to make the world a better place? I am certain earning a high score on some virtual reality game has done nothing to help the environment, battle hunger or child abuse, help a homeless family.

Sixth, your skewed perspective will teach you valuable life lessons. And I am concerned. What happens when you get that first wrinkle? Run off to the plastic surgeon? You are already a generation of people seeking plastic surgery to mimic social media filters — what happens when reality invades your fantastical world? You have the abs, the eyesight, and the energy of time. So do I and my friends. The clock is ticking, little entitled trophy-winner. And no filter is going to give you youth. Or success. Or knowledge. No matter how much your virtual world reinforces that you are a cat or a tree or a unicorn, or a superhero, you are a human being. In this world.

With people like me.

At some point, the world will stop celebrating youth culture and put you in the corner to listen and learn. As an adult, my role is to raise you and protect you so you can reach adulthood. But you, society, the media, keep telling me you are perfectly independent and will save the world. Not likely. Especially since math and logic and critical thinking are crucial to survival.

Let’s try this: Have a long and serious conversation — face-to-face — with a Gen Xer or older. Take two hours. Put the damn phone down. Life is going to kick the crap out of you. People like me know how to navigate those waters. We are not asking to be worshipped. That’s an egomaniacal perspective that I will not adopt. But perhaps you are not the center of the universe. Perhaps you’re not that important. Perhaps your challenges and frustrations are not a big deal because, well, been there done that.

What am I asking? I’m asking you to slow down and smell the old people.