Apocalypse Fail: My End of the World Disappointment

GenXers waited our entire lives for The Apocalypse. For me the COVID-19 quarantine did not bring the excitement I had forever-envisioned.

Justified Karens

We cannot and should not shame a category of people. We should shame behavior. The Karen craze is an attempt to silence strong women.

Choosing a Dumb Home: Say NO to Alexa, Siri, and Google

A long, long list of the dangers of a smart home. Why you should toss your smart devices and say goodbye to Alexa forever.

Best Friend Wanted

What is a best friend? Draft a classified ad to attract a bestie. But ask: Would you qualify for your own job post? What does it mean to be a best friend?

Peculiar Puppy Parents and Patty

Photo by Faith McDonald on Unsplash “I never had trouble with names. You spend some time with them until you get to know them. Get to know what she’s like. Princess here? She was just so expectant to be waited upon.” Belinda cuddled her teacup poodle against her neck. “I had to name you Princess, didn’t I, sweetheart?” The dog wriggled out of Belinda’s arms and returned to the glass dish that served as her food bowl. Patty stretched over her nine month pregnant belly to pet the dog’s pink bow-covered head. The creature growled. Patty withdrew her hand and took a moment to catch her breath. Breathing was becoming her second toughest challenge. Her third challenge was to have enough energy to get out of the house to visit with friends. In six years, she had never missed Belinda’s barbeque. Not wanting to be one of those pregnant ladies, she had to get up and go. She forced herself to dress in the most flattering maternity bag-dress she had. The fifteen minutes to squeeze her swollen feet into her Keds took her last moments from any attempt at applying makeup. Her hair, brittle since the fifth month of her pregnancy, remained in a ponytail. She asked, “So I have to wait until my baby is… a teenager to name him?” “Well, you can always change his name. Like if he is very brave, you can go with maybe Danger, or Risk. Great names.” Belinda poured herself another cup of coffee. Patty could not take her eyes from the crystal-brown liquid. She hadn’t had caffeine in weeks. She couldn’t. One cup at six in the morning on Monday meant no sleep until Wednesday. She said, “I think we have to complete the birth information before I can leave the birth center.“ Belinda scoffed. “Are you sure? It would be a shame to name him Burbank or something inane when he’s really a Zippy.” “Yes, that would be a shame.” Patty rubbed her wet finger across the rim of her glass, anticipating the high-pitched whistle. Yet her finger only slid around and left drips of virgin pineapple daiquiri down the side of her glass. She pressed her lips together. “And you have had your three dogs for how long?” “Well, let’s see. Princess is thirteen. I don’t know how many knee surgeries I’ve paid for her. Just keep gluing her together. You’ll see after you have that little one. You’ll do anything to keep them alive. She almost died six times during the last surgery. And the vet comes out of the theatre and says, she’s not going to make it. And I told him, that’s my baby, you asshat. You do whatever it takes! You’ll see.” Belinda added rum to her coffee as Patty tried to recall the last time she had alcohol. Belinda said, “Skeeter is three now. I got him from the adoption place on Greco Street. You know? The one with the dog bone sign? No. Well, that’s the place. I didn’t know about it when I adopted Quest. He’s eight years old now, the cutey! Look at him sleeping! I guess you can hear him! That signature French Bulldog snore! It doesn’t bother me. I think it’s adorable. But I always recommend the place on Greco now.” Patty struggled to find anything to say. She had never adopted a pet and feigned interest with polite nods and a tight smile. All she thought about was the life inside her. This would be her first child. She and Glen had been trying for two years. She never considered knee surgeries. What could she say? That she was happily married? That she didn’t need a pet. She felt guilty that she had Glen at home. “It must be hard raising them all alone,” she offered. “Ah, the world of a single mother… Luckily you have that baby daddy of yours.” “My husband,” Patty said. She craned her neck to look out the sliding doors to see Glen on the patio. He was chatting about last night’s baseball game. She wanted to go to him, but was afraid if she stood, she would pee herself. Again. Her biggest challenge. She willed Glen to come rescue her. Belinda swallowed her sip of coffee and said, “Right. The male who put sperm in you. He seems like he’ll stay around. He isn’t even looking at Theresa. They all do. But he’s not. And I can clearly see her nipples through that shift she’s barely wearing.” From the living room, Deirdre called out, “Does Glen hit you? They all do.” “No…” Patty said. Do they all do that? Glen was a sweetheart. “Well, he will,” Deirdre said as she took the seat next to Belinda. “That’s their nature. Men. Ugh. I have no use for ‘em. You have your pet now. Just skip town.” Patty frowned. She was tired. She had to pee. Then Deirdre’s words sunk in. She said, “My baby is not a pet.” “Will you feed it?” Belinda asked. “Of course.” “Give it a place to sleep?” Belinda asked. “I don’t understand.” Patty took a sip of her daiquiri. It was too warm. Urine snuck out. She was thankful Glen had stocked up on her Depends. Belinda laughed. “Of course you understand. You’ll buy it little sweaters?” Patty agreed. Sort of. “He’ll have clothing.“ “And toys? Lots of toys?” Deirdre jumped in with her own questions. Patty thought the question ludicrous. “We already got him stuffed animals. And this beautiful mobile for his crib. With planes and birds. It plays Wonderful World.“ “Lots of squeaky toys is my advice,” Belinda said. She pursed her lips together. “They all love those.” “And you’ll train him?” Deirdre asked. “I sent both my rotties for training. It’s imperative. You don’t want your little bastard biting people.” “Imperative? Like school?” Patty asked. “They have trainers for humans?” Deirdre asked. “School.” Patty had, in the past, wondered why Deirdre never married. And why

F*#k Me! Culture

Creatives need to expand the canon of our sex-obsessed culture.

Cures for Stress

A stable orbit desired.