Communication competence will improve your life
From my last article on May 15, you now understand that communication is a transaction between two parties. You have also learned that communication–the message, specifically–is a package that uses two codes: verbal and nonverbal.
Hopefully, you spent the time graphing out some conversations.
These articles are not meant for just reading and nodding — you need this information and practice to become a competent communicator. So, you’ll need a little science.
Communication theorists have established 13 rules, or axioms, that communication follows. Understanding those rules can widen your perspective and give you insight into why communication is successful or not. Here they are, in no particular order of importance:
COMMUNICATION IS A TRANSACTION
We explored this rule in the last article. You can review it here. In summary, the sender encodes a message and sends it across a channel to the receiver, who decodes the message. The receiver then encodes another message, called feedback, and returns it to the original sender. The sender becomes the receiver of that message and decodes it. Voila!
COMMUNICATION IS A PACKAGE
Communication is a package of codes: verbal and nonverbal. Popular theory asserts that, as a visual species who only began using language 5,000 years ago (out of our six million years), we learn towards the nonverbal code. Simply, we rely on and decode more of that code. Theorists claim 70% or more of our communication is nonverbal.
COMMUNICATION SERVES A PURPOSE
Why do we communicate? We communicate to connect with and relate to others, to entertain and to share, to get what you need and want, to express yourself, to play, to help others, and to learn. We also develop our identity through communicating with others — learning who we are and how we fit in the world. Communication helps us to connect with others, and convince or influence others.
COMMUNICATION HAPPENS IN A CONTEXT
You may have noticed, too, as you graphed your recent conversation, that you and the other person did not have your conversation in a bubble. You had it in a certain place and at a certain time–as the definition states, communication: involves participants who occupy different but overlapping environments.This demonstrates the axiom that communication takes place in context — in a circumstance that surrounds the message.
Each and every communication moment includes a situation, a time, the events and communication that came before, the social rules, a specific purpose… no two communication moments are the same. A competent communicator knows to consider that context before and while communicating.
For example, you would not discuss the details of your last date during an important business meeting–where the others are focused on financial statements and market reports! Likewise, after the big meeting at the luncheon, you would, perhaps find the context more friendly and casual–and that would be the time to discuss your significant other and your recent vacation (especially since everyone is tired of discussing the bottom line!). Context includes audience expectations, psychology (changes in mood), culture (morality, subject matter) and physical elements (time, venue, purpose).
COMMUNICATION IS RELATIONAL
Context also includes a social or relationship element. Each of your interactions are from particular roles. Theorists note communication dimensions are based upon the relationship between the parties–the next part of the definition of communication: done by people who create relationships through the exchange of messages. This means communication is relational. You speak one way to your grandmother, another way to your boss, and another way to your friend. Of course, they, too, speak differently to you than to those in differing relationships. Our relationships dictate the tone, form, and content of our messages.
COMMUNICATION ALWAYS — ALWAYS — INCLUDES A POWER DIMENSION
We must also recognize that communication always–always–has a power element. One person in the relationship always holds more power than the other. Often, context influences this power dimension. Some power dynamics are obvious: boss to employee; parent to child. For example, one spouse decides the financial matters and has the power in those conversations; the other spouse decides issues with the kids and has the power in those conversations.
A DIGRESSION INTO TIME
To understand the next rules, we must digress into a discussion about time.
The physics rule (thermodynamics, if you are particularly interested) The Arrow of Time dictates that time only flows in one direction: from the past, through the present, into the future. We cannot go back and have a do-over! (Unless you’re hanging out with Dr. Who… or you know something that I don’t.)
That direction has an often unappreciated effect on communication.
COMMUNCATION IS IRREVERSIBLE
Once you communicate something, you cannot take it back. Second, since you communicate in a context, you can never repeat that same exact communication again. To help you visualize, take a look at this timeline:
Bruce: Are you still mad?
Angela: I don’t think I love you anymore.
Bruce: How can you say that?
Angela: I do love you.
Once Angela has said she does not love Bruce anymore, it cannot be unsaid. Even though she then says she does love him. Anyone who has sent a draft angry email or text, a private conversation to the entire staff, or posted a hasty social media comment, knows that “oh shit” moment where the communication cannot be retracted.
In lecture to college students and professionals, I often mention this rule is the reason to take care with what you say. We’ve all screamed “I hate you,” when in an argument. And although we didn’t mean it, it’s been said. It can’t be retracted even with the deepest apology. The same goes for saying “I love you” too soon.
Communication is irreversible, even in the most innocent contexts.
COMMUNICATION IS UNREPEATABLE
The Arrow of Time also ensures communication is unrepeatable. Even if the participants say the same thing again, the context has changed due to the alteration of circumstance and communication history. This rule is demonstrated humorously when a partner will suggest the couple talk like we used to. That communication is impossible because time has passed and context–and the relationship–has changed. Each of the persons has changed. (Not to say the couple cannot revitalize the relationship–they just cannot communicate the same messages!)
You are not even the same person you were when you started to read this article (or this sentence…)!
COMMUNICATION IS INEVITABLE
As communicating beings, we also must communicate. This is what is meant by communication is inevitable: No matter what we do, we will communicate. Even the silent treatment is communication–it’s the refusal to communicate! In fact, it is impossible to not communicate if a receiver is in the environment. I suppose the last human on earth–left without even a pet dog–will be able to say communication is not inevitable.
COMMUNICATION IS NECESSARILY AMBIGUOUS
Communication allows us to exchange complex ideas and express our own reality to another. However, no matter how precise and careful, communication is always and necessarily ambiguous. Think about this: You have an idea in your head and try to communicate it to another person. No matter how creative and crafty you are with your word and gestures, that other person can never be in your head! Unless you are a member of The Borg, as receivers, we only approximate the idea and reality of the sender.
But…and here’s the key: the better you encode your message for that receiver, the more accurate the decoding will be.
COMMUNICATION IS PUNCTUATED
Communication is like a dance between the parties, each moving with, against or around the other. Because communication is a series of continuous transactions, each participant punctuates–or starts and stops the communication–in his or her own mind. (Watzlawick) Consider the following exchange:
Tom: (Coming into the house after work) Are you asleep again?
Larry: I sleep because I’m bored. You’re always at work.
Tom: And I have to work so much because you sleep all the time!
Tom and Larry punctuate the occurrence differently: Tom sees the cause of his working is Larry sleeping; Larry sees the cause of his sleeping as Tom’s absence. In this way, communicators mark the cause and effect of communication exchanges.
I often use this example: I come home and find the garbage was not taken out–again. To me, this communication issue has been happening for years. I yell at my son: Take the garbage out! To my son, my anger is due to our argument the night before over hogging the video-game controller. Notice the punctuation happens at the point of reception: It is how the receiver decides the communication transaction has started and stopped — the cause and effect of the exchange. Of course, the receiver will punctuate the exchange to his or her own advantage–and merely noting that effect can resolve an argument quickly!
COMMUNICATION IS A PROCESS OF ADJUSTMENT
Because we do not share brains (The Borg again, sorry, I’m a bit of a Trekkie. Without the weird cosplay part.), each communication transaction is a process of adjustment between the sender and the receiver. The two may share a language system. And both attempt to alter and amend messages in a shifting context and changing relationship. The constant shifting and clarification is a means to understanding. As we will learn, however, that process is far from perfect and requires constant clarification. (That’s for our next article.)
ALL MEANING IS DEFINED BY THE RECEIVER
This is the big one. If you do not remember any of the other rules, commit this one to memory: all the meaning of any communication exchange is what the receiver decides it means. How the receiver decodes, punctuates, defines, understands, interprets that message is the meaning — no matter the sender’s intent.
I explain it in a harsh way: You did not mean to be racist. To say a racist thing. You don’t feel racist. But if the receiver understands the communication as racist, it is. The buck stops there. It’s up to the sender to encode differently to be understood accurately.
EXERCISE:
For your own benefit, job down a personal experience that helps you understand each axiom. You should have these firmly understood by July 10th — when we get down and dirty and discover why miscommunication is the rule and not the exception!
